2004 SEASON

 Crusaders -v- Brasted Invicta at Centymca 25-04-04

Opening day defeat could spell end of line for Moyse

The 2004 campaign began with a disappointing reverse at the hands of our usual whipping boys from Brasted Invicta. A buoyant Moysey, fresh from 16 wins from 23 games last year, had agreed to a second term at the reins and the promise of a plethora of new talent gave promise for an even better season than last. Alas those winter pipe dreams were just that. The same tired gnarled knot of has-beens assembled for the season's opener, which had been shifted to the YMCA due to the ineffectiveness of Don's qualcast. Resplendent in our fanciful new livery we certainly looked the part. John Keleghar was given the earliest opportunity to scramble the single run which would bring a happy conclusion to his cricket career, but like the result itself, it was not to be.

Brasted won the toss and offered us first knock on a pitch that was slow to the extreme. We welcomed back an extremely gaunt looking Steve Lewis to anchor the innings and he demonstrated that he had lost none of the flair and free-scoring padmanship that had bored oppositions into submission in the early 90's. His turgid unbeaten 78 and a dashing 40 from Mike Taylor papered over the cracks in the rest of the batting, with 3-shot Paine, the only other batsman forcing the scorer to record two digits in the total box. Alas JK will have to return again to record that elusive run. He offered no recognisable shot but shuffled a fair bit of pad in the way of the first ball he received.

Danglers decided that 171 ought to be enough and his decision appeared justified when Brasted struggled to deal with Mr Whippy. His opening spell of ten overs yielded only seven runs and should have been enough to ensure we could not lose. As has so often been the case, Simon Burr was introduced as a pressure release valve, allowing our visitors to score just about as freely as they liked. With Mike determined to prove there was mileage in his slower ball, Brasted stormed back into the game. Simon meanwhile was desperately trying to prove there was nothing wrong with serving up the same delivery four times in a row and watching them disappear to the same boundary on each occasion. His answer to why he didn’t try anything different was something along the lines of 'it was outside the off stump and he cross-batted me for four. I couldn’t believe he'd done it so I served him up another. Lo and behold he played the same uneducated shot. See if you can do it three times? - You can !! Well I'm not giving up - there is nothing wrong with this delivery. That's four times he's done it...is there no justice. Desperate measures were needed, but even a hat-trick of top quality batsmen from Spud and a burst from Moysey was not going to stop the Brasted Bandwagon, as they scraped home with a wicket and two balls to spare. It would be very easy to seek recriminations and proportion all the blame on Simon so that's what we will do. 

 CRUSADERS -v- DOWNE 02-05-04

First win registered at the double

 Crusaders put the nightmares of last week behind them, taking little time to see off a shabby Downe outfit. Tormentors- in-Chief were last weeks villains of the piece Taylor the Bunnyhunter and ‘The Overthrower’. Mike was at his miserly best, condemning five of the oppo to ducks, in a six wicket haul that yielded only three runs. This was largely on the backs of a softening up spell from Our Leader and Spud, removing the only player who appeared to have any idea. Even Goulash managed a half decent spell on the cabbage patch that masqueraded as a pitch.

Danglers was in no mood for molly-coddling our hosts up to a decent score as Downe completed only 26 overs in posting a victory target of 59. It has been mentioned that blaming last weeks defeat wholly on Simon was a little harsh, especially as he has no e-mail facility. I could at this point highlight two exceptional run outs from Mr Burr, but as he can not read this I see little point. Grant (complete with modified batting grip) and Wajih experienced similar difficulties getting the ball away. However well you hit the ball along the floor, it was never going to make much headway once it left the square, as most of the outfield was both lush and encroaching over the toes of your boots. Wajih's frustrations caused him to attempt the aerial route, but his cross-batted shot dollied to deep cover. The Aussie took no time getting Grant out of the way, luring him into a telepathic suicidal single. I can only sympathise with The Claw. One's never too sure what to do with a knee high full-toss and I can see why indecision led to John allowing it to pass harmlessly on to his middle stump.

 Any hopes that Downe harboured of a dramatic victory were completely dashed by a fearsome display of six hitting from The Convict. He was ably watched by Darkie Paine, who seemed to enjoy leaning on his bat or playing the occasional over-exaggerated forward defensive, whilst 'sharing' in a match winning stand of 37, to which he contributed nil. Our hosts then proceeded to sulk in their own corner of the pub. 

 Crusaders -v- Nutfield at Nutfield 16-05-04

Richard Carr chokes again - or does he ? 

Not for the first time when Spud mixes the delights of Harvey’s Best Bitter with an attempt to keep score and generally barrack from the balcony, did the scores just not add up. It seems that an Internal Affairs Enquiry Meeting between club officials Whale, Slightly and The Weepy One (Provisional hearing 18.00 on June 11 at Catford Beer Festival) will be needed to determine whether the 'Girly like' tittering of Mr Morrison and the general amusement of the rest of the gallery at the spineless Aussie's dismissal for 99 has any justification. The game itself pales into insignificance, as I can only remember the stomping exit of the first player in the club's history to bottle it on 99. God only knows how many times Timmo has thrown it away in the nineties, but never on 99. Fantastic - I've mentioned 99 three times in the opening paragraph.

Nutfield has to be one of the nicest settings we have enjoyed for some year's, with a smart two storey clubhouse, complete with viewing balcony, Harvey’s on draught and a nice pub just across the way. The whole pitch was enclosed with a perimeter fence, which counted as four if hit on the full. Darren won the toss and as we were still waiting for Grant and Co. in the self navigation vehicle, had little option but to bat. This appeared a tad rash, when Timmo received his first ball of the season and in characteristically lazy style allowed the delivery to creep under a lame defensive waft. Simply joined the skip in the middle and played most responsibly until he got a bit tired, after being made to run three twice in one over. Moysey joined him in the pavilion shortly after, the victim of a good catch. TC failed to trouble the scorer, setting the scene for an amusing debut from Chand Channa (appropriate nicknames to be forwarded please). He demonstrated the fine art of tip and run, making the Big Oz shed a few ounces in sweat, on the way to a dashing 17 (subject to ratification). His style bears some similarities to an in form Johnny Greggains, in that every time he hits the ball he is looking for a run. The only difference being that he hits the ball quite often and appears to know roughly where it is going. Rich was meanwhile compiling another big score, bludgeoning a succession of boundaries into and onto the adjoining field. The skipper faced with the dilemma of making a fair declaration and allowing Choky to make three figures showed his human touch. Unfortunately the shaky antipodean was unable to deliver - or was he.

Our declaration (after the laughter had subsided) was confirmed at 206. Our hosts showed little inclination to go for the runs, which was a little disappointing considering we returned nearly three more overs to them than they had sent down. The old boy Timms was as tight as ever and even the dangled carrot that is Simon was not enough to lure them into some attacking shots. The match drifted to a tame draw, with Nutfield closing on 154-4. Sadly Darren had drunk what remained of the beer, whilst leaning on the boundary fence in a fielding position that did not change for twenty overs, engaged in a lengthy chat with Blind Pugh. It was good to see a strong presence after the game and also back at The Ramblers. The club has been labelled cliquey in the past but I think with the removal of Makker from the playing staff, new players have been allowed to freely integrate. 

 Crusaders -v- Linden Park at Tunbridge Wells 23-05-04

 Crusaders made their first trip to the picturesque home of Linden Park and what seemed like several days later returned with an interesting draw. Unable to fix a game with their Sunday first team, we settled for a fixture with the 2nds but it soon became apparent that they were no match for the rampant Crusaders. An absent John Grey, meant an unplanned debut for Mike Griffiths a friend of Simon's, who had turned up just to watch, but will hopefully replace Simon (still without e-mail) altogether. Moysey decided to allow our unknown opponents to bat first and then with Mike as his opening partner, put them to task.

Well as we bowled and fielded, Linden Park were reluctant to take chances or play any attacking cricket, preferring to make the most of any really bad bowling. This was in short supply, restricting Linden Park to 80-8 with twenty minutes (or so we thought ) until tea. Fortunately for Linden Park and the game, they were able to call on the considerable assistance of the Club Captain, who rattled a fine 74. All of a sudden Linden Park were in a hurry, asking for a new ball as soon as one had been hit into the trees, when for the previous two and a half hours they had been happy to play at a snail's pace. Unfortunately for us, the addition of these runs took the Linden Park innings just past the three hour mark, due largely to some extremely dull defensive batting from the other Linden Park batsman. He even treated Simon with respect. After a mammoth 55 overs Linden Park decided to let us have a go.

 A somewhat tired Crusaders ambled off the field knowing they would have little over half an hour plus 20 overs to surpass a target of 162. Tea was marvellous, with scones and melon and cakes, certainly the best for some time. Chand and Grant set off at pace and immediately knocked Linden Park off their tactics, with a mixture of bold hitting and outrageous running. The opening bowler was immediately replaced, after Chand deposited him over extra cover into the car park for six. His replacement's action made Murali and Andy Paul look like something from an MCC coaching manual. It was obviously honed from his days of spear-throwing at the natives back home in South Africa, but has no place on our green and pleasant land. Much coughing and murmuring from the pavilion accompanied each delivery, but he remained in the attack for seven overs. It did have the desired effect in slowing our run rate, with our batsman having difficulty working out when the cheating Saffer chucker was going to throw it. Chand danced one too many times and chopped on to his stumps and Richard holed out off 'the lobber'. Darkie played responsibly and marshalled the disintegration of our middle order, but we fell behind the asking rate and at 126 for 7 were in danger of what would have been a very disappointing defeat. Sensing an improbable win, Linden Park went on the offensive, allowing Spud and Simon to scamper runs at will, but at the close we were still five runs short.

 Linden Park seemed perfectly content with the manner in which the game was conducted, after all it was only a friendly Sunday afternoon game of cricket. Nobody lost a kidney as far as I know. It seemed that they are keen to entertain us with their First XI next year....I can't wait !!!! 

 Crusaders -v- Bexleyheath at The Former San Siro 30-05-04

The bowlers took most of the plaudits, with a disciplined display, on a pitch that gave considerable assistance. A lovely take-off ramp just short of a length at one end ensured that no one ever really felt they were in, with the ball leaping over shoulder height at regular intervals.

Heath won the toss and opted to field, a decision that seemed well made with the early dismissals of Chand and Simply for ducks. Wajih survived an early chance and cemented the innings with a patient 32, while Timmo showed glimpses of former glories, before wafting lazily over a full toss (haven’t we been here before). This brought the Big Oz to the middle, with the Heath sensing that his dismissal could signal a first victory against us for some time. The vagaries of the pitch certainly didn't suit Choky's game, but fortunately for him Bexleyheath were generous in the field, spurning a number of straight forward catches. This enabled a slow scoring recovery (by this time Dot-ball Moysey was occupying an end) that pushed us towards a defensible total. Mike provided the usual dashing cameo and with Darren still playing French Cricket we reached 146 at the end of our 40 overs.

It was going to require an excellent individual batting performance if Bexleyheath were to overhaul us, as they too found the pitch very bowler friendly. Spud and Moysey were in direct contrast to Timmo's anus - post the removal of two lubricated, latex covered fingers - and kept things very tight. Simply, christened his new keeper gloves, palming a couple around the post, before taking a good low catch off Darren.

Bowler of the day was undoubtedly Matt Rehman, who continually hit the offending slope and beat the outside edge and was probably unfortunate only to take three wickets. Only some stout resistance from the middle order prevented a more resounding win, but Bexleyheath slipped further and further behind the required rate. For a group of experienced (I nearly said educated) cricketers it took some time to work out the manipulation of ends so that five bowlers could each have 8 overs. Eventually amid much debate the wise old heads of Whale, Timms and Moyse agreed their figure work, allowing Mike to switch to the favoured Danson Park end. With his chum Grant flashing the headlights of the Beamer behind the bowlers arm, the Young Bunnies in the Heath tail had no chance. One by one they skipped back to the hutch, deceived by Mike's trickery, allowing him to collect another 4 cheap wickets (surely that's my job). Bexleyheath's day ended on 115, with in excess of an over unused. This was a satisfying result against the spotty gobby youths.

 Crusaders -v- Old Colfeians 06-06-04

Crusaders comfortably defeated a woefully poor Old Colfeians side on Sunday. When we arrived at the clubhouse our hosts were desperately ringing all known contacts in an effort to field a full eleven. With little success, old men and ladies were lured from their deckchairs and eventually a forty over game began. We forfeited the toss, allowing The Old Boys to bat and Colfes captain a little more time to trawl the Yellow Pages for players.

It became apparent that what players they had were of no match for the rich bowling talents that Spud had at his disposal. Any worries that we might miss Moysey and Mike were dispelled, by a spell of masterly seam bowling from the aging Mr Softy. Time and again he beat the bat, eventually bagging one of the openers. Simon delivered his usual mixed bag - some crap and some real crap - and remains wicket-less for the season, but even he was beating the bat occasionally. The turning point in the match was the introduction of The Crab. Just as their County Pro was looking set to make a big score, that wiliest of Pie-throwers deceived most of those watching by landing a ball, which was both on the right wicket and in the proximity of the stumps.

After this catastrophic loss, Old Colfes batted purely to survive against a menacing spin attack that included Gordon playing in his first game of the season. After a brief delay, Air Traffic Control cleared localised Air Space, to allow Gordon to deliver his full repertoire. The Old Boys had obviously never had to deal with deliveries that were cloaked by cloud cover. It was particularly nice to witness the duel between our elderly West Indian and theirs. This finished with a Gordon style hamstring injury putting a premature end to Mr Weston's game.

Our response was fairly conclusive and ensured an early finish. Alan and Simply crashed and bashed, TC missed out and Richard and Simon hit the Lady bowler and the Young Child all over the park.