2002 SEASON

 

-v- Brasted Invicta at Valence School 28/04/02

 

 Despite staunch support from his oldest friend Makker, a player well respected for his cricket brain, Bill’s tenancy of the Crusader hot-seat was severed, at an emotive extra-ordinary meeting in The Bull’s Head. A run of poor form at the beginning of the season, combined with tactics that at times baffled some of the more senior players, were the most obvious reasons for Bill’s position becoming untenable - The nadir in his sorry demise - the appalling man-management of the ‘Burham Four’. When perhaps a word in private would have returned the miscreant players to the straight and narrow, Bill opted for an approach bordering on public humiliation. The lonely figure of Chris, dolefully patrolling his ninety yard stretch of boundary, etched an indelible memory, which proved to be the final straw. Into the breach stepped Gordon, who until reading confirmation on the back of the fixture card, seemed strangely amused at his appointment. His assistant for the season is the equally bemused Slack Timms, who rather rather like Botham, felt the responsibility had come too soon, when he plunged the club to the brink of extinction in the ‘dark’ season of 1985. It is hoped that the added responsibility will reduce Glen’s catalogue of tweaked muscles, which restrict his availability for matches.  

A rather disorganised pre-season, left us a little under prepared for action, so we were lucky to have Brasted as our opening day fixture. We arrived at the ground to find that ground preparation was still in full swing and that the pitch differed only by way of its lighter shade, from the rest of the playing surface. With the weather forecast set for rain, the likelihood of completing the fixture looked bleak, but having lost the toss and been asked to bat, Gord made sure any precipitation would not interrupt his participation in the game by partnering ‘The big Oz’ to the middle.

At this point accurate reporting was deferred, whilst two of the infamous ‘Burham Four’ accompanied myself to the cosy confines of a local public house. Two pints and some time later, we returned to find our openers and the laughing fellow had not made best use of the facilities. Timmo alternatively seemed to find the pudding of a pitch to his liking and was despatching the ball to all quarters. He found brief support from Ex-knob and TC Grrreggains, but the spectacle was very much a solo effort as GT racked up a 59 ball ton, at which point Gord called time on events.

 Brasted were never going to get the runs, but with the ever darkening skies it looked unlikely that we would have time to winkle them out. And so it proved. Chris opened the season with a long hop (much as he has started many seasons) and Brasted’s opener could not resist the cherry, holing out to TC at mid-wicket. The only other moments of note also involved Chris and his long hops, with Moysey guilty of, not one- but two dropped catches from successive deliveries. The rains came in force, with Brasted 40-4 from 20 overs, but with no sign of brightness the game was quickly called to a close.

 -v- Bletchingley at Centymca 05/05/02

 

Gord was able to call upon the same eleven for the visit of a ‘Pollockless’ Bletchingley to the YMCA. Again the toss was lost and for consecutive weeks we were asked to bat.

The tried, tested and regularly failing duo of Schultz and Carr opened the Crusaders innings, with Danglers promoted to 3, after GT’s very slow hundred the previous week.  Bletchingley’s opening attack proved to be poles apart, one maintaining excellent line added to occasional swing and seam and the other bowling no two deliveries in the same spot. After the inevitable demise of the skip, playing all around a straight one, Richard and Daz shared (all be it unevenly) an unbroken stand of 167. Both were fairly circumspect in the early stages of their respective innings, with Moysey choosing to remain cautious for the whole of his occupation. The Aussie reached a measured fifty and then mercilessly set about a sorry looking attack, to race to a third career century. DB Moyse found himself five short of fifty at the declaration, with the skip obviously feeling that the hour or so Darren would have needed to complete his landmark, would be better spent weedling out the opposition.

 Bletchingley made a positive response, with the opener happy to throw the bat at anything pitched up. After slapping the ‘balding trundler’ back over his pate a couple of times, he was guilty of changing his mind mid-shot and Timmo pranced athletically to hold a return catch. Unfortunately for our visitors and perhaps the state of the game there was very little aggression shown from the remaining batsmen, who seemed content to pat most of the bowling back and play out a tedious draw. As luck would have it (there seems no other explanation) Gord turned to Jim and for once in his career he bowled something that was consistently on a line and length. In tandem with ‘Brow’ he swept out the middle order, clean bowling each of his three victims - yes three deliveries aimed at the stumps from Jim. A mind boggling variation from Wilsdon accounted for another three and all of a sudden the prospect of an unlikely victory was on the agenda. The Cheating Bastard had held up an end, without the need for his chest high pads this year and to be fair looked comfortable against most of our bowling, so it was somewhat surprising when his off stump was pegged back by a straight ball from Moysey. Danglers then took care of GT’s dinner date, setting up the last pair for a nervous final three overs. Victory was completed with four balls to spare, when Chuckles took a catch at forward short leg, that bizarrely ricocheted from bat to foot to hand. Some revenge gained for last year’s poor showing and a first win for the new skip - a fairly satisfying display all round.

-v- Old Wilsonians at Hayes Hill 19/05/02

 

 Having suffered a frightful beating at the hands of the Old Boys on our only previous visit to Wilsonians, Gord was keen to strengthen the side in a bid to maintain our successful start to the season. Shivarine Chandermoyse was despatched to Lord’s, in an effort to cure his tendency to turn all his innings into a personal game of French Cricket, whilst the Centrally Contracted Wilsdon, was allowed time to recover from the various new ailments he had added to an already lengthy list of old favourites. Simon Burr, drafted in from the YMCA and Silver Fox, collected from an Old Peoples Home in Bexleyheath, were the replacements. Gordon’s late arrival at the ground, meant that GT had already introduced himself to a bemused looking young oppo skipper, as the Vice-knob. His obvious camp nature thereafter, assured us of a winning toss-up and in bright sunshine on a firm pitch we asked our hosts to field.

Thankfully Gordon arrived soon after, choosing to pair Darth with the ever present opener from Oz. Rich and Jim put on a steady 68 against a modest attack, before Jim was given out lbw, to an appeal initiated by the umpire and joined in very politely, by the bowler. Richard fell almost immediately afterwards, to only the second ball from a new bowler, but was quick to offer advice to the incoming bat (Webbo) that it wasn’t doing much. The Claw was a little unfortunate to pick out mid-wickets hands when he attempted to put away a full-toss, but his departure led to a fruitful partnership between Simply and Ex-knob. Neil was in his element against the slow bowlers, gently caressing the ball to all corners, as long as they were called Cow. Bill played second fiddle, in an entertaining stand that took the total through three figures, until a rather poor Fox-trot down the track led to an inevitable stumping. Chuckles wasted little time in staking a claim to Neil M’s duck cup and Spud was dismissed, when neither umpire was aware of the no-ball rule (there are no sour grapes here I can assure you and I will not harp on relentlessly about injustices). Simon, introduced as a bowling alternative to up and down Moyse, showed he had more than just bowling strings on his bow, by supporting a classy late run barrage from Slack (34) with some intelligent batting and good rotation of the strike. Our innings was closed by the skip, after 44 overs had yielded 200 runs for the loss of 7 wickets.

Two old stagers were given the responsibility of opening the attack, with Chuckles, formerly famed for several drainpipe escapes from ladies bedrooms and The Fox, more recently accosted by two frustrated women desperate for a threesome, showing there was no lack of lead in their pencils. Old Wilsonians failed to cope with neither the relentless accuracy of Steve nor the nagging swing of John, with the first ten overs yielding only fifteen runs. Spud pouched a catch at second slip off Steve and a vicious kneecapper from Chucks, rendered the other opener unable to continue. Simon replaced John and got both swing and some movement off the pitch. He regularly beat the bat only to witness Dustbin Lids Timms floundering behind the stumps. As so often happens, his first wicket for the club came courtesy of a rank ball swatted straight into a fielder’s hands - Steve the recipient of an exocet to fine leg. In an effort to open up the game Bill and Spud tossed it up, GT gave a poignant impersonation of Barry Andrews behind the stumps and we gradually reduced our playing staff, with Simply (Tina Turner at The Fairfield Halls) and Jim (Big Fanny - and I don’t mean Anna) departed the fray. The innings closed at 149 for 6 after a successful appeal against the light, this despite The Oz bowling his gentle off-breaks. All in all it was a good riposte to our previous result and should have cemented what is a nice fixture on good facilities.

 -v- Bexleyheath at Centymca 02/06/02

 

An unbroken seventh wicket partnership of 95 between Danglers (50) and Spud (40), was enough to maintain the club’s unbeaten start to the season and overhaul the victory target of 156, with an over to spare. Earlier in the day, Timmo, standing in for the injured Gord, had lost the toss and all credibility, by allowing the oppo skipper to dictate the playing of a 40 over game. It seems he has learnt little in the 16 years since he last took the helm of the ship. Darren and Brows eventually graced us with their presence, having spent the best part of the morning viewing England’s dismal effort against the Sweden.

Simon and Chuckles opened the bowling, sharing the first four wickets, as both kept the ball up, on a lifeless pitch. Moysey and Lardy replaced our opening attack and looked every bit a pairing that had overstayed their welcome in The Oak. Chris could have removed the mainstay of Bexleyheath’s innings, but was unable to see the return catch that was offered to him.( I thought his sight had been cured !!). Darren, trundling down the hill, looked a husk of a man. Despite this impotent attack, Bexleyheath were never able to increase the scoring rate. Spud and Chris took a wicket a piece, before the innings closed on 156-6.

Alan Edwards debuted in the openers slot, with Jim and they showed little mercy on Bexleyheath’s teeny-bop bowlers. They took the score to 39, before Alan was adjudged lbw by an umpire who had previously in the day been unable to see the ball hit straight at him by a batsman. This initiated the sort of mid innings collapse, we frequently had the last time GT skippered the side, with 5 wickets tumbling for the addition of only 26 runs. Memories of Botham returned, as Timmo made the lonely walk back to the boundary, having played on for one. Sledging and ungentlemanly chattering became the norm, as Bexleyheath sensed that they had the game won. This irritating and unnecessary side to the game acted as a spur to both Spud and Darren, as they methodically collected runs in a measured fashion, which soon began to irk the opposition. A very pleasing victory was achieved when Spud hit the winning boundary, off the bowling of the lairiest offender of poor conduct. Spud took great pleasure in warmly shaking his hand and thanking him for the leg-side half volley. As usual there was a strong after-match presence in the Bull’s Head, with two of the opposition ‘big enough’ to socialise. Gord arrived, resplendent in the Bengal Lancers Golf Winners Jacket, but worryingly minus the Gold Boots and Turban.

BILL WEBB Snr.

It is with great sadness that we learnt of the untimely death of Bill’s dad. He made only one brief appearance for the club, acting as a substitute fielder at Hurst Green. In the short time he played, Danglers normal torrent of leg-side dross ensured that he had a busy time on the long leg boundary. My particular memory of his appearance was his ability to remain suitably close to an opened bottle of dodgy Red Wine that he had picked up on a shopping trip to France, whilst still displaying the ability to field the ball cleanly and return it to the wicket-keeper - something his son has yet to master!! He will be sorely missed at The Bengal Lancer Golf Day, where his particular form of etiquette would always provoke much discussion.

 -v-Old Colfeians at Eltham Road 09/06/02

 

Crusaders, not for the first time, managed to turn probable victory towards likely defeat, before the final pairing batted out for a draw. Against a backdrop of persistent drizzle, Gord lost the toss and we inevitably found ourselves squelching in the field.

 Despite a wet ball, we generally bowled well and kept a cordon of chattering statues next to the wicket-keeper for most of the afternoon. Richard bowled his version of spin from a long run-up and Simon nagged away on a length, occasionally getting punished for bowling too full a length. Danglers replaced ‘The Oz’ and immediately Seaman Timms was called into action at ‘Second concrete post’. His leg-flicking parry to third-man was a valiant effort, though perhaps a small movement to his right would have been enough to remove the opener. Moysey got the message and decided that the corridor of uncertainty, might well lead to the edge of the bat, but the likelihood of the catching quartet moving, let alone catching it, was nil. This tactic bore fruit, with the young opener and Sunil ‘only the hat makes me look like him’ Gavascon, having the furniture displaced. Spud took some tap into the ‘cow’ region, before finally removing the irritant and Timmo bowled some tiptoe fanny stuff that got it’s just desserts. Bill, who had taken the game of ‘Simon says’ far too seriously, not having moved a muscle at first slip, was eventually despatched to the gully, where in attempting to avoid a cut shot he inadvertently put his hand in the way, as was the nature of the day, the chance did not stick. Old Colfeians eventually decided we had suffered enough, declaring at 147 for five, with the opener undefeated on 60.

The weather did not improve, but GT and Darth had little trouble putting bat to ball and we accumulated 41 in the first twelve overs, before Jim played around a straight one. Richard maintained the scoring rate and even when Glen played hideously across the line, there appeared no signs for alarm. In just under an hour of madness we managed to lose seven more wickets for the addition of 44 runs, whilst elevating the oppo journeyman spinner, to Murali levels. All hope of victory evaporated, leaving the ‘Dour duo’ of Moyse and Whale to maintain Gord’s unbeaten reign as skipper, comfortably batting out time.

-v- Shooters Hill at Centymca 16/06/02

 

Thirteen seasons had passed since our last meeting with Shooters Hill ended in less than amicable fashion, the culmination of a number of explosive meetings throughout the eighties. Fittingly GT was at the centre of the controversial finish to this match, as he had been, batting so tediously for a draw, in that final game in 1989. This time his last ball prance down the track, not only eluded the bat, but also a bemused wicket-keeper, allowing Glen and Bill to scamper two byes, to gain an unlikely victory.

For the fifth time in six, we lost the toss and found ourselves fielding. In the absence of Simon, Chuckles was entrusted a share of the new ball with Moysey and both bowled accurately on a pudding pitch. This set the trend for the remainder of the 40 overs, with Shooters Hill never able to dominate, until Chris served up some late morsels from the buffet cart. Our fielding, normally poor, was quite awful. Several chances were dropped, notably from the only player in their side to score any runs, but more importantly we seemed incapable of throwing the ball any where near the keeper, spurning at least three run out chances. The Crab paid a visit, with the intention passing contraband to Chris, but ended up umpiring a large chunk of SH’s innings and then sub fielding for Spud, while he put the finishing touches to the tea. In Spud’s absence the fielding reached a new low apparently, allowing our visitor’s to scramble to 123 for 8 from their allotted overs.

The Sermon on the Mount had not finished by the time we trooped in for tea, which meant Gord and Glen’s catering for the five thousand went largely to waste. Our reply got off to the worst possible start, with both Gordon and Darth using little lead from the scorer’s pencil. Although it took only one person to lay out the tea, it appeared that it needed half the side to clear up after, which meant at the fall of a wicket the out going batsman had to score, while one of the umpires padded up to bat next - farcical? Then I realised it was the Crusaders. Simply swatted a quick 6 runs before he was athletically caught at point, which brought Moysey in to join Spud. It became ‘like watching paint dry’ as neither batsman was capable of doing little more than block out some accurate bowling. We managed to use half our overs in reaching twenty runs and when Spud and TC were out in quick succession, had also lost half the side. Fortunately Nancy Timms made batting look like a stroll in the park, as he effortlessly stroked the ball around the ground. At this point Bill appeared and bearing in mind our tenuous position, was asked to bat - if necessary. Chuckles played a valuable supporting role to GT. While his personal contribution of 2 may not look that good, he made sure Glen got a high percentage of the strike. Silver Fox was run out trying to steal a quick single, the victim of the fine fielding that was in stark contrast to our efforts earlier in the afternoon. His dismissal provoked much mumblings from our oppo, as they spotted our ‘ringer’ striding to the crease. ‘He shouldn’t be allowed to bat’ - ‘It’s not fair’ - they were talking about Bill !!! Two overs later we approached the fortieth over needing 9 to win. A wide full toss, was called a no-ball by the skip at square-leg, marginally before Neil M would have called a wide - more mumblings. Timmo failed to penetrate the field with a boundary, but he and Bill managed to scamper enough runs to leave us requiring the two from the last ball, which gave us an unlikely victory. We put away the chairs that had been kicked over by Shooters Hill’s disappointed players and shook hands with those of our opposition that had not already stomped off. Emotions were still running high, as the debate about Bill’s contribution to the game raged on in the Dressing Room, and it was to no one’s surprise that SH failed to join us at The Bull.

-v- Bletchingley at Bletchingley 23/06/02

 

 The Club comfortably completed a return fixture victory at Bletchingley, without a whiff of controversy. Nasser Schultz was again on the wrong side of the coin, but the responsibility of not having to make a decision seems to be a winning formula, as our unbeaten run stretched to 4 wins and 3 draws.

  Bletchingley asked us to bat and were soon regretting it, as Richard and The Skip took the opening attack to the cleaners. A very grassy strip appeared to have no demons, with Richard particularly dominant straight down the ground. Matters were not helped for the home side, by a regular supply of byes finding their way, unchecked to the boundary. Bletchingley eventually turned to spin and soon found first Gord and then Nosperm equally at home. Gordon’s ungainly lunge down the track resulted in the pegging back of his off stump, while Jim was caught by one of six mid-offs stationed for the inevitable. Dave Thomas (guesting from YMCA) joined a prestigious band of debutante ducks and Blind Pugh completed our regular middle order collapse. Chris found the new Reader ball, complete with bell, a great help in determining when to swing the bat. Has he had cataracts added or removed??. The Oz was spectacularly and very surprisingly caught by a keeper, who had stopped little let alone held on to a ball, for an entertaining 58. TC and Deadbat restored parity and made sure we had plenty to bowl at. Gord had seen enough, making the declaration five minutes early with the hosts requiring 186 for victory.

Sensing it is easy to wind Darren up, the oppo’s skipper justifiably wided Moysey, provoking a prolonged sulky run up for the rest of his spell. He was very lucky to remove the opener with a grubber and then nearly decapitated the very nice next batsman, when the ball hit a lump in the pitch. Gordon quite rightly limited the hot-head to only four overs. Simon was rewarded for continually beating the outside edge, when he got one to hold its line to dismiss the DCB. Having witnessed at first hand the amount of turn in the track, it was no surprise when Lardy Wilsdon was thrown the ball (which he dropped). It was somewhat more surprising that Gord decided to unleash the ‘Novelty bowlers’. First the master of the lob, Billy Webb with his particular brand of nonsense, and latterly after Chris had ripped through the middle order, TC with his tippy-toes run up disguising a vicious head high beamer. Bletchingley’s skipper despite harvesting heartily on the produce voiced his concern that perhaps we were taking the piss. Hopefully Gordon’s assurance that this was the only way they could bowl was enough to prevent any more bad blood. Simply, who had already distinguished himself with two catches off Chris, added a third from a smart take from Spud’s quicker ball. A sharp run out from Richard at short third man, which would have dismembered anyone unfortunate to get in the way, brought batsman 11 to the crease and it was only a matter of time before proceeding were wrapped up. As in the first game at the YMCA, Spud brought down the curtain, trapping ‘The Thing’ in front of the stumps. Victory by 49 runs was achieved with 5 overs to spare.

 -v- Hurst Green at Drewett Field 30/06/02

 

 Crusaders narrowly missed out on, what had appeared earlier in the afternoon, to be a highly improbable victory, when Simply failed to cling on to a thin edge from the penultimate ball of the day, off the bowling of Danglers. Earlier in the day, Gord had elected to bat (we never bat first at Hurst Green) and seen Richard and ‘I can’t believe I got caught at mid-off again’ Clements put quick runs on the board against an attack minus the Sweaty Bloke. With the score on 36, Richard miss-timed another attempted bludgeon and was caught at deep mid-on. This brought another debutante to the crease, in the form of Dan Simpson. Rumoured to be the bastard son of Ralph Coates, resplendent with comb forward in an attempt to conceal an obvious spam forehead, he joined the ever expanding list of first knock ducks, when he scooped a full toss to Simon (sub fielding too well) at mid-wicket. Always a man to steady the ship, Jim couldn’t even get the ball as far as mid-off this week, allowing the bowler a simple return catch. TC ‘survived’ the hat-trick ball by thumping it to the boundary, but added no further runs in becoming Mr Flower’s fourth victim. It seems two of the ‘Burham Four’ have learnt little from last year’s high jinks and despite the reputation for collapse that our side has built up over the years, felt the need to partake of more Harvey’s Best in the Royal George. Slack and the Skip restored parity, during a stand which added 64, until their almost telepathic communication for once let them down, leaving Gord unable to regain his ground, though still finding time to wave his bat at the crowd. This instigated another collapse, with Limp, Simply and Simon following Gord back to the pavilion, for the addition of only two more runs. At 106 for 8 on a perfect track, with Blind Pugh still in the hutch, a level of tedium was necessary to ensure that we used all the time available to us and gave our bowlers something to defend. With over 150 not outs to their names, there are none more resolutely dull than Moyse and Whale in such circumstances. A laborious unbroken stand of 54 carried the score to 160 at the tea-time declaration, with Spud and Slightly 29 and 25 not out respectively.

 Since the arrival of a willowy new girl on his arm, Darren seems to have found new purpose in his bowling and, though somewhat bizarrely, he removed the flamboyant opener, with a short ball that eventually nestled itself in Simply’s right gauntlet, via thigh pad and bat face.

A cunning plan had been hatched in an effort to remove this troublesome batsman, with someone dropped deep on the square leg boundary, set up for the pull or top-edged hook-shot. Unfortunately the trap was set by Jim, who has no idea where his deliveries are going and the recipient was Ernie Wilsdon, who wears the thickest milk-top glasses in the West. The obvious result was four runs.

Nosperm and DG added another wicket each and we began to fancy our chances of turning the game on it’s head. Hurst Green put up some resistance in the middle order, but accurate bowling from Simon and Spud meant an ever spiralling run rate. HG’s Fat Bloke foolishly took on the Whale Arm, with inevitable consequences (he must have been slow) and the wicket paved the way for Simon to grab three quick wickets. Danglers ran out a giggling octogenerean to set up a tense finale, but the final pair remained intact. Hurst Green closed on 92-8 from 37 overs and we retired to the Royal George for some splendid refreshment.

 -v- Westcombe Parkers at Greenwich Park 07/07/02

 

The pitch at the Royal Park again proved to be a great leveller, as runs proved hard to come by. Having lost the toss, Gord informed us that he would have batted, if given the choice and was thus happy to accept WP’s invitation. How we remain unbeaten this season continues to be a mystery!

On a typically moist green-topper, under leaden skies, Richard and Jim treated the sparse crowd to absolutely no entertainment, preferring to admire the ball as it boomeranged around and on the odd occasions that bat connected with ball, contenting themselves to lean on their bats admiring the shot. After 12 overs of this painstaking drivel God appeared through the clouds and placed both batsmen at one end. The only decision for the umpire to make was which tedious opener had to go. After some debate Jim’s 46 ball entrenchment for 5 runs was curtailed. Gordon played a cavalier cameo, including a straight six, which went as high as it did long, before walking extravagantly across his wicket and losing his leg stump. (Well he would have done, if we hadn’t been using spring-back stumps). The BS de RC put successive ducks to his name and though Simply kept out the hat-trick ball, he too didn’t last long. Timmo proved that you should never cut in July (not at GP - anyway!!) and Richard, who had stuck around whilst never coming to terms with the pitch, fell for a dogged 44. The ‘Wag’ in the tail came from Chucks, Simon and Spud, the latter’s three sixes helping to post a respectable 153 at the close from forty overs. The Parkers provided a tea for the first time since Brenda’s Chocolate Cake was on the scene, disappointingly there was none this time, though Simon was able to sort out his packed lunches for the next week, with the leftovers.

Our hosts found life in the middle equally daunting, with GT and Simon exerting a stranglehold, which we never fully relaxed. Simon found the conditions particularly to his liking, returning a club best 4-13 from his 8 overs. After taking his fourth wicket he was heard bemoaning the lack of money in his wallet and then produced an over of the most blatant jug avoiding deliveries that I have ever witnessed. Richard ‘tossed’ the ball up in a spear throwing manner and was rewarded with two wickets, the second from a stunning catch by ‘Crouching Tortoise - Hidden Goat’ who appeared to be grazing contentedly, before thrusting out a hoof to claim the catch. Some comedy dive-over fielding by Timmo on the long-on boundary and some aggressive hitting from Mr Mayo, during a period of the game that was allowed to drift, briefly resurrected WP’s hopes of victory. The Skip however, knew when the game had drifted for long enough. Jim was summoned from the pasture and with the help of GT and WP’s own version of a comedy run-out, which involved both batsmen and a runner congregating at one end, the game drew to a close with The Parkers all out 37 runs shy of the target.

Owing to some form of disagreement, we were entertained in the Ashburnham Arms instead of imbibing of the exquisite Young’s at the Richard I. Makker, Ex-skip and Darkie bolstered our numbers as well as the noise level. Simon, obviously conscious of his efforts to deprive us of a jug, sloped away, preferring to pass time with The Professor of Rhetoric for the University of Los Angeles, rather than joining us in our discussion, concerning the merits of Gord’s ‘captaincyship’. The rowdy conversation was regularly interjected by ‘toasts’ for the former skipper. Is there mutiny afoot? The Lofty Fellow became louder in direct proportion to the amount of Master Brew he consumed, until all but the Spitfire ran out and we were asked to leave. This undoubtedly saved us from a raucous rendition of Five Gold Rings from the Lankster.

-v- Minster ( Isle of Sheppey) at Minster 14/07/02

 

 Our season of last gasp victories continued, with revenge gained for last year’s defeat at the hands of The Islanders, achieved when Moysey stumbled through for a leg-bye from the final delivery. Darren was included in the eleven as replacement for BS de RC, who was rumoured to be at the Greg Matthews Hair Replacement Clinic.

Minster won the toss and was happy to bat on a green pitch that looked as if it would offer help to the seamers. The forecast proved correct, with Darren and Simon using the facilities to good effect. Danglers hustled through the top order, claiming three wickets, the last of which was courtesy of a superb overhead catch from The Oz. (If he had stood where he was told it would have been straight down his throat). Spud and Timmo maintained our stranglehold on the game, removing the middle order and although the tail wagged the score to 122, it never looked like being enough. Minster’s innings was wrapped up, when firstly Jim hung on to a towering caught and bowled and finally a cat like run out from Chuckles at shortish third man, broke a dogged last wicket stand. The only blemishes in the field were Ernie’s fine impersonation of the Seaman/Ronaldinho Phoenix from the Flames and a limp wristed effort from the skip, which deprived Jim of the second wicket that he always gets.

The club’s response could not have got off to a worse start, with the skip returned to the pavilion from the first ball. Matters did not improve, as we lost wickets at regular intervals, leaving us at one stage on a seemingly hopeless 39 for 8. Once again the redoubtable Whale/Moyse combo steadied the listing ship. With time and overs not an issue, they edged the score up towards Minster’s total, conscious that only Ernie occupied the hutch.

Minster’s swagger, which had reached a highly audible pitch, such was the sureness that victory was a mere formality, now began to regress through urgency, until it finally nestled on panic. The chirping Wicket-keeper decided that his bowling would rescue the day, only to have the ball smacked back over his head for a straight six. This and a loose delivery that evaded the stand in keeper for four byes, meant that only three were required from the final over.

Spud and Darren traded singles, but failed to score from three of the first five balls, setting up the scurried leg-bye that secured victory. Most of the opposition were magnanimous in defeat, with the exception of the ‘grunty bloke’, who stomped from the pitch muttering and trying to contact his mother, to bring his pram and toys to the ground.

-v- Blue Bell Hill at Common Road 21/07/02

 

The following report comes courtesy of Mr M. Meltings, a roving reporter from ‘The Maidstone Interferer’, who happened to stumble across the game. Still awaiting report

 

 CRUSADERS CRICKET CLUB WEST COUNTRY TOUR

Sunday 28th July

 

 Due to certain players’ inability to communicate, Spud had to make several phone calls to our Hotel in the week leading up to the tour, to finalise the numbers that would be accommodated on the Sunday evening. In the end a party of six arrived at the Dunkery Beacon Hotel in the early evening, having sampled the delights of Somerset hospitality on route. The remaining tourists would join their team-mates the following day.

After an enjoyable meal, we adjourned to the bar to sample the barrel of Breakspeare’s that had been ordered and to await the arrival of the other team that would be sharing the hotel. Daphne, our charming, though slightly naïve hostess, informed us that their late arrival was due to involvement in a Cup semi-final. Little did she know, the scallies had used cover of darkness to strip the lead from Dunster Church in order to finance the trip. Danglers, who had voiced reservations that one barrel, would be sufficient, tried valiantly to drink all 88 pints before the Scousers arrived. At around three the bulk of them arrived, still sticking to their story, although it appeared they had added the trafficking of an illegal immigrant to their previous crime, claiming that the Asian gentleman, who could not speak a word of English, was in fact their Overseas Professional.

 Monday 29th July

 After his excesses in the early hours, it was no surprise that Moysey failed to make the 9.30 cut-off for breakfast, a trend that would remain for all but the last day. Betting was opened on the likely arrival (if at all) of the skip, but incredibly no one took the 100-1 chance of him being seen before Wednesday. Within twenty minutes of the book being opened we were stunned by his arrival. He was soon joined by our other Monday arrivals, TC and the Launceston Boys. We had by this time ascertained that the boys from Rainhill, would have been sadly mis-matched in any contest - apart from Pool and Darts - against the mighty Crusaders and decided to pay a visit to their afternoon fixture, against another touring side at Stogumber.

With the prospect of an evening fixture at Carhampton to come, the more discerning amongst us decided to take it easy and not sample too heavily of the delights on offer in The White Horse at Stogumber. Unfortunately there remains an immature element that feels the need to convert a steady three or four lunch-time pints, into a full-blooded eight pint session. Perhaps predictably two of the infamous ‘Burham Four’ found it necessary to change Village Life in Stogumber by requesting that the landlord should stay open for the afternoon, even though said landlord had already told them ‘he had things to do’. A more responsible splinter group took the short walk up the lane to see how Rainhill were faring. On an idyllic pitch they appeared to be taking the opposition to the cleaners (I still think we would have turned them over). After half an hour or so we returned to the White Horse to find ‘the miscreants’ had been banished to an outside table, apparently with the compromise that the guvnor would open up and serve them as and when they wanted. The bulk of the side arrived with time to spare, at the slightly disappointing Carhampton ground.

-v- Carhampton (20 over game) 29/07/02

 

 The tried, tested and never yet successful method of lot drawing, was used to determine batting, bowlers and even wicket-keeper, for our gentle twenty over tour opener. Gord duly lost the toss and found our hosts happy to let us have first knock.

Timmo carved the first two balls to the third man boundary, but then failed to make contact with a full toss and this set the scene for a dramatic tumbling of wickets. Nosperm edged his first delivery to the keeper, Sumo survived the hat-trick ball, but not much longer and Spud was run out also without scoring, with the Big Oz evidently rendered mute by some 8% Scrumpy he had had at lunch-time. There is no place in this publication, to harp on about the injustices of this dismissal, but Cricket in this country would be better if all the Aussies pissed off back home. ‘The Stogumber Three’ eventually arrived, appearing surprised that the game had started at the appropriate time. We were able to post a score of sorts due to some fine batting from Chuckles and ‘play and miss’ Wilsdon, who if you hadn’t seen him bat before, you would have sworn he was drunk. Oh!! And that tosser Richard got 70.

If further proof were necessary that Gordon had lost the plot, he provided it by tossing the ball to Moysey, who appeared to have lost both the power of speech and the ability to walk in a straight line. The resultant four over spell was probably one of the longest in history, with Danglers repeatedly being helped back to his mark at the end of each delivery, by Chuckles at Mid-off. If he had been a lamb they would have put him down, such was this pitiful sight. Having endured 23 balls of sleep inducing drivel, Moysey in complete comatose state, managed to produce enough extra effort, to injure himself sufficiently, to avoid playing for the remainder of the tour.

Amazingly Carhampton took until the final over to achieve victory. By this time most of us had joined Moysey, in looking like we had lost the will to live and it was with some relief that we were able to regroup in The Butcher’s Arms for refreshment.

Tuesday 30st July

Makker was an early arrival, making the most of another Danglers lie in, to claim his breakfast. Several of the party were showing early signs of tour fatigue, so the rest of the morning was spent at leisure.

-v- Timberscombe 30/07/02

 

 Our numbers were further bolstered by the arrival of Paul and Fiona. It was a Skipper’s quandary whether to replace Moysey with Makker or Fiona. Either of the two choices would get through their overs quicker and Fiona running around the outfield, would be far more pleasing on the eye, than having to endure a couple of hours of ‘Dead-man Moyse’. Timmo opted for Makker, realising he hadn’t brought a white skirt in Fiona’s size and on losing the toss we found ourselves in the field. Spud felt the need for a rallying speech, to ensure there was no repitition of the previous day’s shambles and was then happy to hand the reins to GT.

Timmo, always a staunch supporter of the Webb regime, took the opportunity to captain in his image, using the ‘45 minute’ theorem. Timberscombe were clearly baffled by this approach, wondering how and why such a spineless attack as Clements and Braithwaite, should be allowed to bowl unchanged for seven overs each. Perhaps expecting a sting in the tail, our hosts were even more bewildered by the equally venomless combination of Wilsdon and Schultz that replaced our openers. The tranquility of our setting was interrupted only briefly by Fiona’s audible mobile phone conversation. Timberscombe were an even mix of juniors and wise old heads, but none of their side seemed capable of dictating the play. Gord induced a thin edge, to provide Simply with his 100th catch for the club and soon after took a second wicket courtesy of a smart stumping. Fortunately Ralph was not at square-leg to rule it out for any encroachment. Paul and Spud were the next duo used by the skip and they proved to be by far the most potent combination on show. Paul made full use of all the facilities, including several un-prepared pitches and a corridor of air three feet above the batsman’s head. His surprise delivery - the straight one (after two wides) - proved too much for one youngster and soon after Chuckles held a fine catch on the long-off boundary to remove their best bat. Wickets began to fall more readily and with Makker prowling the covers there was little chance that the pressure would be released. Lofty, himself took the final wicket, needing only ten of his barely legal deliveries to prize out the number eleven.  Darren and Craig took time out from the White Lion (perhaps the landlord told them where to go at closing time) and returned in time for tea, at which time the skip informed us he was confident of a comfortable victory. This was the first time I had heard him speak all afternoon.

 In the early evening sunlight we were treated to a Batting Master-class from The Claw and Lanky, whose dashing stand of 75 all but won the game. Earlier in our response The Oz and Simply had re-laid the foundations, following another early departure from the Club Captain. Makker’s stay at the crease contained eight majestic boundaries, none of which could possibly be coached, whilst TC was content to anchor the innings, remaining undefeated on 37 (a PB for the club). Such was the level to which he had pumped himself, it was somewhat surprising that he didn’t float off when the winning run was scored. Talk of curries occupied most conversations, with the Alcombe Tandoori recommended by the locals. We saw off the Timberscombe contingent, toasted former skippers and bade farewell to The White Lion. A splinter group had already arrived at the curry house and despite an invitation to join the main table ‘the independent people’s tour front’ decided they would rather eat alone - splitters!! Appetites sated we returned for more games of one-handed/alternate hand pool, gaining little success in either discipline. Moysey was notable as an early casualty, as was the ‘still psyched up’ Claw, still drifting on an ‘emotional thermal’.

 Wednesday 31st July

 Perhaps foolishly, Spud opted to throw a Full English Breakfast on to the festering remains of last night’s curry and Kingfisher Lager session and suffered greatly for the remainder of the day. Darren, despite an early night, again failed to materialise for breakfast, but in general there was a strong representation at the tables. We bade farewell to Paul and Fiona and also Craig, before heading to Minehead for our game. Our pre-match preparation was at some nautically named pub on the harbour-side, where Spud’s billious disposition prevented him from fully enjoying the ale on offer and even after a noisy lavatorial clearance, he still wasn’t feeling himself. Indeed Chris Wilsdon, the nominated skipper was particularly disappointed by Spud’s lack of control in the cubicle. We arrived at Minehead College for our fixture with Minehead in good time, meeting Wing-Commander Nick McCall in the car park. It seemed Nick was more concerned with the evening’s dining arrangements than the forthcoming match and seemed a little put out that no concrete booking had been made.

-v- Minehead at Minehead College 31/07/02

 

 Having failed to recover fully from his excesses, Spud felt it his duty to report to the acting skipper, that he would be unable to bowl during the early part of the day. Minehead duly won the toss and elected to bat, under increasingly threatening skies.

Chuckles and Darth were again entrusted with the new ball, so the rest of us prepared for a long session of ball chasing. Incredibly, John bowled well for the second day in succession, picking up two early wickets, the first a catch at mid-off from Makker (who the ball before had asked if he could wander in a bit) and the second to another catch this time from The Oz, at square-leg. Jim also got in on the act, benefiting from a sharp catch from our other debutante, Ralph, who seemed concerned that no one was aware of the injury he was carrying that prevented him from fielding the ball. In fact everyone was aware, but it was far more amusing to slag him off when he didn’t chase after the ball. Minehead were a mix of youth and experience, with every batsman appearing more than capable of scoring a few runs. With this in mind Chris operated an in/out field, which cut down the number of fours, especially down the hill to the short boundary. Ernie himself bowled a fairly uninspired spell, but had Timmo bending his back to good effect at the other end. GT’s six over spell yielded two wickets at a time when Minehead were looking to up the run rate at a cost of only 24 runs. Wilsy had no time for any ‘comedy bowlers’, choosing the abrasive antipodean’s unique brand of spin, as the replacement to his dross. At the other end, Spud had given the nod that the worst of his gaseous problems were behind him and was duly summoned into the attack. Richard proved what an easy going chap he is, by graciously accepting the umpire’s not out verdict against their captain, despite an obvious and audible deflection into Sumo’s gloves. Chris opted for caution, despatching ‘The Ox’ to the boundary for a cooling off period. This proved a wise decision, as Spud first removed the opener, who had batted well for 95 and then their offending skipper, whose agricultural hoick was picked up by the sulky Carr. Minehead made the declaration at 195-8, giving us an hour plus twenty overs to respond.

While Richard and Wing-Co McCall started the reply, Sumo was sent for medical supplies to deal with the various ailments- mostly drink related- that had manifested during the tour. Salt replacement drinks, headache tablets and most importantly Rennie were bulk purchased, with Spud particularly pleased that of the nine ailments that Rennie claimed to cure, he had symptoms for seven. The Oz continued his good form, being particularly severe on anything in his driving arc, while Nick was happy to give him the strike and keep him company. Nick finally perished to a return catch and then Simply posted his intentions by getting off the mark with a nonchalantly flicked six. After another responsible knock (has he finally realised he’s allowed more than ten minutes at the crease) from Neil, our mid-order collapse materialised. Richard having completed a fine half-century, followed Sumo back to the pavilion, to be joined shortly after by both of yesterday’s batting heroes, for a boundary apiece. The weather then interrupted Slack’s single-handed assault, on the nine an over target that remained and the game was washed out with the score on 133 for 5.

Spud was bitterly disappointed to discover, that for all his valiant efforts on the field, he was to be the recipient of a pint of fizzy dishwater in a penis shaped glass, the contents to be disposed of as quickly as possible. This being the traditional Minehead punishment for the ‘dick of the day’. Nick informed me that he and his good lady Ros didn’t like to dine too late, so we made our excuses to the opposition and headed into Minehead for our Evening Meal. Over a couple of bottles of fine Red Wine and some excellent fare, we discussed Nick’s Service History, though he was quick to play down his role in the Battle of Britain.

We returned to the hotel to find most of the Scouser’s taking on Tony at arm-wrestling, with little success. The Oz took the prize scalp, having waited until Tony showed extreme signs of fatigue, before taking to the bar. After several bottles of Red, the Wing-Co slipped into an immaculate pair of pyjamas and routinely tuned to Radio 3. What he hadn’t realised was that he was sharing with Makker, not his good lady wife and after several tolerant moments, was told in no uncertain terms to turn the fffing radio off.

Thursday 01st August

The departure of Ralph, the continuing incapacity of Moysey and the unavailability of Loved-up Wilsdon, meant there were only ten available players for our final fixture, against Lord Tankards at Loxhore. Fortunately the Scousers fixture had been cancelled and we were able to draft in the services of Stevo, to get us to a full compliment. In order to fit in a reasonable lunch-time session, we set out early for our trip across Exmoor, stopping on route at the Black Venus at Challacombe. The locals were treated to a rumbustious rendition of ‘She Fucking Hates Me’ by Puddle of Mudd, which seemed to have been adopted as Unofficial Tour Song by most cars, with the exception of Gordon’s, in which you could listen to some very laid back soul. The pub, initially appeared very pleasant, until the appearance of a very scary landlady. We were not surprised that she originated from Gravesend, such is the inter-breeding in that area. What was more alarming was that her father appeared to have mated with a mule, to produce her. After a couple of pints of what we were assured to be the cheapest ale around, we continued to Loxhore.

 -v- Lord Tankards at Loxhore 01/08/02

 

 The ground at Loxhore was very long and narrow, with the wicket in a position, that meant a straight six in either direction, would need only a forty yard carry. Our opposition were a little more antiquated than in our previous fixtures and first impressions were that we could give them a hell of a beating. Chuckles, who had tried maintain some control over the lunch-time antics, called incorrectly and we found ourselves asked to field.

We then lost Makker for the whole of the session, after he offered to drop Danglers at the pub in nearby Bratton Fleming and was then engulfed by an overwhelming compulsion to remain with him. Jim opened the bowling for a third consecutive match, having told Stevo that ‘he didn’t have much of a run up, but he did have a fast arm’ - Stevo’s still waiting to see it. In contrast Stevo took only one ball to announce his arrival at the club, clean bowling the opener. It was fairly apparent that the Tankards did not encounter such bowling very often and very soon two more batsmen had succumbed to the fiery northener. Despite the small perimeters, Tankards were having difficulty accumulating runs, settling instead for mere survival. Chuckles finally ‘called off the dogs’ and introduced Gordy, Spud and Timmo - the twirly trio. Even this fairly gentle fare could not encourage some lusty blows, with twenty overs of spin costing a miserly 40 runs. These figures would lead those not witnessing the event, to believe that the ball was turning at right angles on a pitch with more serpents than ‘The Temple of Doom’. This was not the case, with Timmo in particular relying heavily on the ‘one that goes straight on’, even though his flouncy action would appear to be imparting immeasurable spin on the ball. Chuckles finally released the pressure valve by introducing himself and The Ox. My old mum couldn’t fail to score off these two, and so it proved, with our hosts adding close to 100 runs from the last twelve overs. After a marathon 51 overs Lord Tankards innings closed on 207 for 9.

Makker returned during the tea interval and Chuckles demonstrated that lessons had been learnt from the despicable treatment of the ‘Burham Four’, by offering the openers berth to him. He was joined at the wicket by his room-mate, the Wing-Co, but within the first two overs both were returned to the pavilion. Glenn started our response with a first ball six ( bet he couldn’t have hit one if we’d asked him ), then patted back the next four, before being bowled from the last ball, attempting another outrageous hoick. Nick failed to trouble the scorers, still appearing a little taken aback by Makker’s bedroom outburst. Sumo supplied some quick-fire entertainment with a brisk 10, but it was left to Richard and Stevo to bludgeon the bowling into submission. In just under 19 overs, they added an unbeaten 183 ‘to secure a draw’. Stevo cantered to a century, hitting 9 sixes and 7 fours in the process and Richard was undefeated on 80 when we believed the winning runs had been struck. Their partnership was a club record for the 4th wicket and for all wickets.

Nick and Neil bade us farewell, before we took refreshment in a pub where Moysey seemed on first name terms with most of the bar staff. After a couple of pints and some food we returned to the hotel for the ‘big money arm wrestle’. Alas last night’s preamble had left the farmer boy clad in an elbow bandage and all bets were off.

 Friday 02 August

A supreme effort from Moysey saw him surface in time, both for breakfast and to see the Scouser’s on their way. The majority of our party left shortly after, leaving only five to partake in the inaugural staging of ‘The Spud Whale Four Club Challenge' at the Minehead and West Somerset Golf Club. On probably the warmest day of the week, there was an air of inevitability about the result, with Spud carding a fine 87, beating Makker into second place. Both Timmo and The Claw had decent rounds and Gordon was also on the course.(then off the course…then on the course…). The end to what was widely agreed to be a fine week. Maybe one lesson that could be learnt if we tour again, is that it is not necessary to drink to excess in order to enjoy yourself.

 

 LATEST FIRST TO DIE ODDS FROM WILLIAM HILL

Moysey 4-5 Complete bodily shut-down

Simon 6-1 Self diagnosed ruptured spleen

Chris 6-1 Drowning from over active tear ducts

Chuckles 8-1 Natural causes - old bugger

Chris 8-1 In-growing eyebrow causing massive brain hemorrhage

Chris 10-1 Complete flaking of outer layers of skin.

Richard 20-1 Ritual hanging for brash Aussies

Bill 25-1 Gout

Chris 50-1 Blow to the head from cricket ball

-v- New Ash Green at New Ash Green 04/08/02

 

We returned to ‘domestic cricket’ with the short trip to New Ash Green, but unfortunately for a second year running had to endure a disappointing fixture. The Club offered a debut to Vinnie from the YMCA and also brought in Simon and Bill as replacements for some tired and incapacitated tourists. Relentless drizzle put the game in some doubt and when we finally got under way, it was reduced to a thirty over format. Against the advice of some senior colleagues Gord inserted NAG after winning the toss, a decision that was fully vindicated.

The moisture on what was basically a firm pitch, gave Timmo and Simon considerable assistance and both exploited it fully. Simon beat the bat regularly, but failed to find the edge (perhaps he should aim at the stumps), whilst Timmo helped himself to three wickets, in what was his most menacing spell this year. NAG never threatened to break from the shackles and their innings closed on 74 for 7, with Vince bamboozling his way to a brace of wickets.

We took just over half the allotted overs to make the necessary requirement, with Jim remaining 36*, ably supported by another good knock from Simply.

-v- Edenbridge at Blossoms Park 18/08/02

 

Some records tumbled and some records were probably denied, as Crusaders piled on the runs at Edenbridge. Gordy’s very individual style of captaincy made for an entertaining afternoon’s cricket, with honours just about even at the close of play. Richard and Jim rattled up 208 unbroken runs, to post both the largest first wicket stand and the highest partnership for any club wicket. This was deemed, after some persuasion, enough for an early declaration, allowing us an extra 25 minutes attempting to bowl out the opposition. Richard added another 124 in pursuit of the club record for runs in a season, but was denied the time to surpass it and also the probability that he would also have beaten Jim’s 134 record innings in the process. Gordon was talked out of a declaration at about 180, which would have presented our hosts with about 3 hours of batting with which to reach the target.

With Simon and Chuckles opening the bowling that target would have been reachable in just over an hour. I have witnessed some dismal opening spells in 20 season’s at the club, but I can recall none as poor as this. (apology - forgot Moysey’s recent 4 over stint at Carhampton) Within a dozen overs Edenbridge had put about seventy on the board and amazingly someone had managed to get themselves out. From a position of strength we had regressed to trying to save the game, with our hosts requiring little more than four per over, with nine wickets in hand. There was a fair amount of disconsolate body language and our lone spectator Darkie Paine couldn’t seem to believe what he was witnessing. Timmo and Spud were introduced and gradually pegged back the scoring rate, causing some desperate shots, which led to a rash of dismissals. With both bowlers picking up three victims each, there was a brief period when it looked like we might again assume the ascendancy. Edenbridge never gave up the run chase, but their latter batsmen couldn’t put bat to ball effectively enough and we were unable to take any more wickets. Edenbridge finished 21 runs short with three wickets intact.

-v- Earlswood Strollers at Blackheath Wanderers 25/08/02

 

All good things have to come to an end, as our season long unbeaten record was terminated by the Strollers in an exciting 40 over match. Set 162 for victory, we came tantalisingly close, with Spud failing to find the necessary boundary from the final ball of the day. The usual Bank Holiday absenteeism meant debuts for Dougie Craig (definitely our oldest ever player) and also Mark Warrington (supplied from a room of young boys by ‘Uncle Chris’).

Earlswood won the toss and elected to bat in a forty over game. It was difficult to imagine a worse spell of bowling than Simon’s efforts at Edenbridge, but he managed to surpass that complete dross by some margin. Fortunately Timmo, was boldly clawing back, what Simon was generously giving away and this prevented our hosts from racking up a massive score. Quite why he was allowed to complete all of his allotted eight overs, is one that only the skipper can answer. The remaining bowling was effective both in stemming the runs and by doing this, bringing about the fall of wickets. Dougie Craig, approaching his 106th year twirled majestically through five overs, finishing with 1-12, but the star turn came from Blind Pugh, who returned season best figures of 4-14, proving beyond reasonable doubt, that he has the character to ‘bowl at the death’. Gord allowed young Mark to learn from his uncle and he responded with four respectable overs.

We have discovered over the last few season’s that Earlswood, whilst not appearing to have a fantastic bowling line-up, do have the ability to set fields to compliment any shortcomings they have. Once again we lost a host of cheap wickets and heaped pressure on the remaining batsmen. Richard accumulated the necessary dozen runs to pass Steve Lewis’ record aggregate, but then joined the Skip back in the hutch after an uncharacteristically loose shot. With half the side out for only 34, GT and Spud set about repairing the damage with a stand of 70, which dragged us back in to the match. Unfortunately Glen hit a rather ‘limp’ shot straight to mid-wicket and Simon was trapped lbw shortly after. Earlswood dropped their field back, making it difficult to score anything other than boundaries or singles and this tactic proved effective in restricting Spud to only eight of the ten runs, needed to win from the last over. Having won a couple of games this season from the final ball of the day, we now had to taste defeat, in what was nevertheless an enjoyable game. As Timmo would say - he would far rather lose a tight game by throwing four wides to the boundary than hang on for a boring and meaningless draw.

-v- Westcombe Parkers at Greenwich Park 01/09/02

 

Last weeks defeat and The OZ reaching target, enabled Gord to resume his ‘drift’ method of captaincy, whereby nobody gets too excited and everyone just goes with the flow. The toss was as usual a formality, because we always bat even though the wicket is appalling.

Gord got enough runs to pass three figures for the season, before a poor impersonation of Viv Richards lost him his leg stump. The impersonation was in fact so poor, that the only similarity was their skin colour and that Sir Viv occasionally wore a red cap. Timmo scratched his way to 16 and Danglers and TC ensured the middle order was as paper thin as ever. Moysey became another victim of trigger finger Wilsdon, with a duck, halving his average to a very mediocre 116.00. Richard, who had been dropped down the order, still had sufficient time to hammer 75 and with Jim recapturing some form to register a second fifty in three games, we were able to post a formidable 201 at the end of forty overs. Someone had obviously blagged Mr Kipling on the way to the ground, as tea was a sugary cake fest, presumably designed to make us cumbersome in the field.

 They needn’t have bothered. Bill phoned to report car problems - presumably he wasn’t stuck at Fleet Service Station on the M3, or Gordon would have rightly ostracised him from the club- so we picked up the services of the bloke no one wants to get stuck at the bar with after the game. Gordon rewarded Simon’s one wicket for 86 over the last two weekends, by again tossing him the ball. This is however his ‘Field of Dreams’ and in an unbroken eight over spell he constantly beat the bat to return 2-24. Ernie shared the opening overs and with our fielding strangely efficient, considering the volume of cakes consumed, we effectively put the game beyond the Parkers reach, in the first sixteen overs. The death blows were delivered during a destructive six over spell from Spud that removed the ‘engine room’, leaving a wicket a piece for our own Morecambe and Wise duo - Heaton and Greggains. TC had got the nod in front of Darren, who had announced that he was fit enough to bowl his slow stuff. The decision was wholly justified, with John not only landing four consecutive balls on the dance floor, but also inducing WP’s ageing skipper to pop up a return catch.

-v-Catford Wanderers at Catford 08/09/02

 

The Club were indebted to the YMCA for the services of Big Al, the Vinmeister and the debuting Waji Rehman, deputising for several absent ‘big name charlies’. The BS de RC replaced Chuckles, (diagnosed as an antiquated asthmatic) and now close second favourite to die, just after Moysey. Catford were as disorganised as us, but eventually mustered enough players to take the field. Gord was obviously confident, that what appeared to be a strong batting line up, would deliver the goods.

Despite the early loss of Al, chasing a wide one, The Ox and Vinnie put on 55, before Richard was caught by a Pimms drinking tennis player. Simply was given out caught behind and his disgruntled use of the ‘f’ word, will surely have landed him in hot water, if any ICC committee members were in earshot. Waji, who had smacked the bowling of Jim and TC about in the nets, found that he was seriously under prepared when it came to the real thing. His first ball dismissal, means he joins a small list of good and a lengthy one of absolutely awful players, to have failed to register on debut. John G completed another dismal day at the office for the middle order, when he too succumbed without scoring, for a third consecutive duck. Dan Simpson certainly wouldn’t be the first name on a list, to put right a listing ship. One duck away from joining the legendary Danny ‘I played a bit at school’ Worth, as the only player to have started his career with three noughts on the spin, the sparsely thatched ex-Dunstonian, grew in confidence the longer he remained at the wicket, finally top-scoring with 37. His performance did not stop the further tumbling of wickets however and we were indebted to the wagging tail for a final total of 160 for 9 declared. The score would have been four runs higher, but for the slumbering Al, umpiring at square-leg, being unable to get his bulky frame out of the path of a Spud exocet. His resulting hospital treatment left TutanEdwards with a sore head and ten stitches for his trouble. The loss of four runs left Spud beside himself with grief, because even with a batting average of 114.50 he still doesn’t top the rankings.

 With no gift wrapped presents from Simon on offer, Catford struggled to make headway against the accurate bowling of the Fox and Darth. After failing with the bat, ‘Wideji’ was given the chance to redeem himself with the ball. He must surely have been influenced by Timmo, delivering a torrent of leg-side dross, before finally reverting to spin. With twenty overs remaining the game was delicately poised, with Catford requiring 115 with 8 wickets in hand. We gradually gained the upper hand, through accurate spells from Spud and latterly Vinnie, with both taking three wickets apiece. Spud displayed staggering gymnastic qualities in diving full length to pouch a return catch, an action that was described by one spectator as ‘remarkably athletic’. OK it was my mum !! Catford, despite appearing to have little chance of victory continued to play shots, with Mr Lodh seemingly able to sweep anything and everything that Spud served up. When he finally fell for 37 to a smart stumping from Simply, it was left to Vin to run through the tail, taking us to victory with eleven balls to spare.

 -v- Bexleyheath at Bexleyheath C.C. 15/09/02

 

Records tumbled again, as The Club registered it’s twelfth win of a magnificent season, with an emphatic victory at Bexleyheath. After a week long struggle to find players, we were indebted to Dougie Craig and Ben Greggains - two players at opposite ends of their career ladder - for fielding a full compliment of eleven. We also welcomed back Chuckles (re-nicknamed Wheezy Titter), from his recent asthmatic absence and Moysey, pronouncing his fitness to resume bowling. Although the game was clearly scheduled for a one o’clock start, a certain member of the side decided that he was ‘bigger than the club’, by requesting his lift to the game should arrive at one o’clock. The fact that the driver was also the supplier of the match ball, prevented play from starting until almost 1.30.

Having won the toss thirty minutes previously, Gord had decided to take first knock in a forty over match. After the Skip’s single figure demise, it was business as usual for Nunfer Carr, as he preserved energy by smashing 12 fours and two singles in making yet another fifty. TC has failed to score a run since Tour and Simply has nose-dived into a similar abyss of form. Timmo accrued the necessary 29 to pass 6000 runs in his Crusaders career, but despite looking a picture of elegance, with some extravagant leaves outside off-stump, he had to play second fiddle to a thunderous display of slogging from The Ox. His final tally was 143*, including 22 fours and 4 sixes, which obliterated the former best 134* of Darth against Brasted Infirmaries, as the highest individual innings in the club’s history. This was despite Jim offering to field for Bexleyheath and Gordon considering a declaration.

Tea was a marvellous Pie, Chips and Beans stodge bonanza, that would add little to our athleticism in the field - or so we thought!!!. Danglers return to action produced a wicket in his first over and while he kept things tight at one end, we were forced to endure a truly awful spell from Wheezy-Titter at the other. This enabled Bexleyheath to keep up with the required rate, though they lost important wickets in doing so. Chuckles managed to register a wicket during a five over spell which cost 35 runs, courtesy of a tumbling catch on the deep mid-wicket boundary from Spud. Dougie Craig replaced John, but far too often he dropped short and was punished off the back foot. Moysey, who had shown signs of burn out after about five balls, managed to complete four overs, before Jim took over and we gradually started to take control of the match. Spud took a further two catches from Doug’s bowling, giving him a return of 2-49 from his allotted spell. GT and Spud then applied the brake, with Bexleyheath slipping further and further behind the required rate in the face of some accurate bowling. Timmo was unlucky not to get a wicket, when Gordon appeared to be perfectly positioned to take a skier. What we hadn’t realised was that Gord had recently been the recipient of some eyes, that had been donated for science. Was he ‘Looking through Ray Charles Eyes’ ??? Despite some question marks over his temperament for Spin Bowling, Darren was tossed the ball and duly showed the doubters, that ‘the art’ is not just about poncey kick-your-arse run ups. Having watched Ernie, the Master exponent of ‘bowling at the death’ on numerous occasions, he was able to rattle through the tail. Ben Greggains was given a first bowl for the club and was rewarded with a wicket, caught at slip by Spud that gave him a record breaking five catches in a match. Bexleyheath were finally dismissed, with a little more than one over remaining, still some sixty short of their target.

-v- Locksbottom at Tugmutton Common 22/09/02

 

The Club completed it’s 2002 fixtures with a comfortable victory at Tugmutton. The end of Gord’s first season in charge, which has seen a record thirteen wins, with our only loss at the hands of Earlswood, sadly, will probably be better remembered as ‘The Day The Oz Choked’. Requiring a meagre 104 runs to pass 1000 for the season, his bottle went, in typically Australian fashion. When a bit of English Stiff Upper Lip was require all that was seen was some Antipodean Rectum Quiver.

In breezy conditions, with the pitch hard and true Gord, had no hesitation in taking first knock. The fact that we only had six players may also have influenced the decision. Spud and Jim opened and did the decent thing by getting out quickly, to allow Richard sufficient time to accrue the necessary runs. This he appeared to be doing, with some relish, hammering deliveries all over the park, while Danglers was happy to nudge and nurdle to maintain his three figure average. The pair put on a record stand of 143 for the 3rd wicket, before a sphincter spasm ended Richard’s stay at the crease, eight short of a fourth ton this season. Darren eventually passed fifty, with the smattering of applause, waking my mother from her boredom induced slumber. At the completion of forty overs, we had passed 200 for the sixth time this season setting Locksbottom 206 for victory.

Locksbottom must have felt all their Christmas’s had come at once, when they saw the aged pairing of Timms and Braithwaite adjusting girdles and inhaling from puffers, before opening our spell in the field. After eight overs even I was looking skywards for a Reindeer drawn sleigh. Habitually as ever, Chucks managed to find a ball marginally less awful than it’s precedents, to send back their more free-scoring opener ( rumoured to have scored a ton last week). Quite why he felt the need to dance down the track to John, only he will know.

Ernie and Spud bowled reasonable spells in mid-innings and whilst Locksbottom made reasonable progress, they didn’t appear to have a batsman capable of taking our bowling apart. With Jim, Gord and Nunfer all featuring in the attack, it’s hard to conceive that they didn’t score the necessary eight an over required to win the game. We took refreshment in the excellent Woodman at Farnborough Village, where The Oz pleaded for an extension to the season.